Naruto Crack Fic
by IShouldBeSleeping
Summary: This is what happens when I get really bored. - FOREVER HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

"D00d...Mizuki...I sooo told you that we're lost..." I said poking her side.

"We're not lost! We just...don't know where we are!" Mizuki said throwing her arms up in the air, flying into a tree branch. I laughed as she fell down.

"D00d...that's the same thing!" I laughed.

"Shush! We're almost there!" Mizuki said waving her hand at me. "You're supposed to be my prisoner!"

"ZOMFG! RIGHT! I forgot!" I yelled, being tackled by Mizuki. "ZOMFG! WHAT?" I yelled as she tied me up. We got into the stupid little HQ thing-a-ma-doodle. And I was thrown in a cell. It was cold. "WTF MIZUKI! WHAT THE FUCK!" I yelled as she walked away...bitch... SO ANYWAY I WAS IN THIS CELL RIGHT? AND IT WAS COLD! AND PEOPLE KEPT COMING TO STARE AT ME! IT FUCKING PISSED ME OFF! THIS FUCKING SHARK BOY CAME AND I ALMOST BIT HIS FACE OFF! FUCKING BASTARDS! FUCK! So finally, someone who was less freaky-looking...I guess came to see me. I gave him "I hate you so you might as well go die out a window now retarded boy" look. It had no effect. Like I said, fucking bastards! So anyway, Mizuki came to stand next to him, I stuck my tong out at her. Her black hair matched his, only difference was that he like had the sharingan as his permanent eye color or SOMTETHING cuz it never went away. Weirdo. I mean DAYUM…who wants red as their eye color? So anywho. They kinda stared. For a long time. Kinda. Then he walked away and Mizuki untied me.

"You're becoming a member of the Akatsuki, and you have no say in the matter." She said letting me out. I rubbed my wrists.

"ZOMFG REALLY! THAT'S FUCKING SWEEEEEEET!" I yelled jumping up and down.

"ZOMFG! I KNOOW!" She yelled jumping up and down with me. That dude came back.

"If you two don't stop jumping, the whole place will fall down." He said. Boring-ass emo boy.

"D00D!!!!!! THAT'S MEAN!" I yelled and pulled a bowl out of nowhere, cuz I'm cool like that, and threw it at him. He dogged it. Fucking bastard.

"Ita-nii-san!" Mizuki yelled.

"Nii-san?" I said raising an eyebrow.

"Follow me." He said.

"YOU HAVE NO EMOTIONS! EMO-BOY!" I yelled repeatedly, throwing little paper balls at him as we walked up the stairs. After a while he gave up dodging them and just let them bounce off his back. As we reached Mizuki's room that d00d turned around.

"Imouto-chan, where do you get your friends from?" He asked Mizuki.

"I dunno!" She said, jumping into her room. There where two queens beds, apparently, they where planning on me. Whoop-dee-flippin-doo. Everything was like black and red, no duh. And the little clouds. Duh again. I mean common, it's the flippin AKATSUKI! What are you expecting? PINK HEARTS AND FUZZY TEDDY BEARS?? So anyway, we were all in her room right? And so yeah...we all stood there. Pretty damn interesting if you ask me. Then I walked over and grabbed the d00ds ponytail.

"Emo-boy," I said as I started to pet it. He walked away quickly. "You have soft hair, Emo-boy. Anywho, what's your name? I can't keep calling you Emo-boy."

"Uchiha, Itachi"

"Wow...weasel? WHAT KIND OF PARENT NAMES THEIR KID WEASEL? I MEAN COMMON! THAT'S SO STUPID! Did you get made fun of?"

"No."

"Wow...anti-social much?" He walked out of the room. Fucking Bastard! "I think we should go to bed." Mizuki nodded and we fell asleep. I woke up at 2:15 in the morning and got a horribly wonderful idea. I grinned evilly. If I was awake, so should everyone else. Five minuets later Itachi and Mizuki were storming downstairs to see what all the racket was.

SASUKE'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN ON! SHE'S ALL I WANT AND I'VE WAITED FOR SO LONG! SASUKE CAN'T YOU SEE, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE GIRL FOR MEEE! I KNOW IT MIGHT BE WRONG BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH SASUKES MOM!

I was dancing around the living room in my pajamas, which were basically a tank top and shorts. Cuz I rule like that. I smirked at him and started singing "I'M TOO SMEXY FOR MY SHIRT! TO SMEXY FOR MY SHIRT! SO SMEXY IT HUUURTS" Itachi twitched and walked back upstairs, I guess I'm too smexy for him. . Mizuki gave me a weird look.

"Are you trying to freak Nii-san out?"

"Yep."

"Okay, well, it didn't work. Go back to bed."

"FUCKING BASTARD DAMMIT! Okay." We both went back to bed. I woke up, this time at 9:15. Yeah. I rule. So anyway, Mizuki was downstairs. I went down there and Mizuki, Itachi and Shark-boy where all sitting on the couch watching the news. They were all dressed in their Akatsuki uniforms or whatever they're called. I was still in my pajamas. I told you I rule. I sat down between Sharky and Mizuki. Sharky inched away from me and sat there nervously. He was so afraid of me. . Itachi stared.

"Aren't you going to bother getting dressed for us child?" He asked.

"Ahn, nah. I'm too lazy." I said staring at the TV screen.

"Go get dressed. Now, child." He ordered.

"Fine, fine. Sour-puss. I'm going." I said, getting up. I walked upstairs and put in my clothes. A black tank with a fishnet t-shirt and black shorts. They where kinda tight, but oh well. I'll make them stare at me. I pulled out the Akatsuki robe thing and stared at it. It was long...too long...I opened my nightstand drawer and pulled out scissors. I cut the robe and put it on. It reached till just above my knees. I smirked and brushed my hair typing up a few strands to the back of my head with a black ribbon. "Itachi-san said he wanted me to get dressed" I laughed and walked back downstairs. Itachi stared at me, and I stared back. We had a stare-fest for about...I dunno five minutes? Whatever. Then I got hungry.

"Hey, who wants to go to the International House of Pancakes?" I yelled. Mizuki jumped up.

"OMG! I DO!" She yelled. Itachi and Sharky stared at me.

"What's the International House of Pancakes?" Sharky asked.

"IHOP, duh." I said rolling my eyes. So we all went to IHOP, cuz IHOP pwns. But not anymore. But whatever! So anyway, we where in IHOP and the waitress kept giving us dirty looks for some reason. Then I realized that it was the same waitress that I threw syrup at the last time we where here. She got my order wrong. "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT BITCH?" I yelled. Freak. She glared at me, I glared at her. I threw syrup at her. It got alllll over her clothes. It was pretty damn funny.

"You bitch!" She yelled, still glaring.

"You say that like it's a bad thing." I was provoking her, I always do this, It's funny when she gets angry.

"You...you!!! GAH! I HATE YOU! BITCH!" She yelled storming off.

"What's her problem?" I said drinking water. Water is good for my soul. I looked across the room, for more people I could torture. I saw the waitress that I made cry last week, and next to her was RYU! I jumped out of my seat and tackled hugged her. She p-slapped me.

"No hugging!" She yelled.

"ZOMFG! YOU HAVE TO COME SIT WITH US!" I yelled, face down in the slush that wasn't there five seconds ago, but is required for the penguin-slap. Ryu's magical. So anyway, she came to sit next to us.

"Hi Kisame-chaaaaaaan." She said waving at him. Itachi smirked. Ryu sat down next to him and I resumed my seat by Mizuki.

"Who is this, child?" Itachi asked staring at me. He's so creepy. Fucking bastard.

"This is mah friend Ryu! I met her when I went to the village of the miiiiiiist!!!!!! For um...I forgot. I don't think I did what I was supposed to though." They all rolled their eyes at me.

"SO ZOMFG! HOW ARE YOU?" Ryu yelled

"ZOMFG! IM GREAT!" I started laughing. "ZOMFG! I CAN'T BREATH!"

"ZOMFG! YOURE DYING!" She yelled. (That was an actual conversation we had...) So, after I tortured our poor waitress a little bit more, we left. Itachi and Kisame went back to the HQ while I Mizuki and Ryu walked around. We where probably a sight to see, All wearing the Akatsuki robes, Mine cut really short Mizuki's all normal (boring person) and Ryu's being waist length in the front and normal length in the back. (yeah…I don't get how that's possible either…) So we where walking around, scaring all the locals, when we saw a sign. It said "Itachi's Prostitution Services" We all stared at it for a minute.

"I think my brain broke..." I stared Ryu burst out laughing

"ITACHI THE PART TIME HOOKER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" She rolled around on the ground. Mizuki ripped the sign down.

"Stupid..." She mumbled. I started laughing with Ryu.

"ITACHI THE WHOOOOORE! HAHAHAHAHHA! HE'S A MAN-WHORE!" I yelled, more people avoided us, or ran inside their homes. When we stopped laughing Mizuki was still glaring at us. She had her Yonaka no Tsuki activated. (that's the byakugan sharingan and mangekyo combined...she made it up!) We got up off the floor…erm…ground and ran back to base. Yeah. We're so cool. How do you think people wouldn't notice a giant HQ of like...nine s-classed criminals? I mean...c'mon...aren't ninjas supposed to be good at finding crap like that? Anyway...I think I should be writing. Okay so we got to the HQ that has amazing invisibility powers. (Yeah, that's right.) So we where all standing there...it's a really boring place. REEEEEEEEEAAAAAALLY BORING. So we threw stuff at Kisame. It was pretty funny. He's really slow.

"Stop it!" Kisame started crying and ran out the room. That was fun while it lasted...then we saw Deidara.

"ZOMFG! I THOUGHT WE WERE THE ONLY GIRLS!" I yelled. Deidara glared.

"I am no girl." He said.

"Suuuuure. Hey..." I grinned and performed a blinding jutsu on him.

"Hey! I can't see! What'd you do that for!" He yelled, crashing into a table.

"It wasn't meeee!!" I said innocently. "Oh, by the way...the Akatsuki got new uniforms...go put yours on..." I snickered handing Deidara and lacy frilly pink dress. He took it and walked away. He came back downstairs with it on. HE LOOKED LIKE A GIRL!!!! Ryu Mizuki and I all fell on the floor laughing our asses off. Itachi came in to see what was so funny and smirked.

"Nice outfit." He said, and then walked away. FUCKING ANTI-SOCIAL BASTARD!

"What's everyone laughing at?" Deidara asked, still blind obviously.

"Nothing..." We all snickered.

"Hey, Ryu?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"Member when Ino married that rock?"

"Yeah..."

"Deidara is their offspring."

"ZOMFG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kisame came in to see what all the laughing was about. He saw Deidara and started laughing. Then his pants exploded. He ran out of the room screaming like a little girl. Then Itachi-san came back in. We were done laughing at Deidara. He ran away crying. Then suddenly, Sasuke crashed through the ceiling! Ryu threw a cheeto at him and yelled EMO! Sasuke and Itachi-san stared at each other for a while...before hugging each other.

"Nii-san!" Sasuke cried.

"Ototo-chan!"

"Nii-san!"

"Ototo-chan!" They both hugged again and ran skipping off into a sunset that wasn't there five seconds ago, even though it was two in the afternoon…and inside. Then Itachi-san hit me.

"Stop day dreaming, child, and pay attention." He said.

"Whhhhhhhhhhy?" I was being whiney today...suddenly Mizuki got the FUN idea to say the word "Hn." and ONLY the word "Hn." FUCKING ANTI-SOCIAL UCHIHAS!

"Hn."

"Stfu, Mizuki."

"Hn."

"I'll eat your soul..."

"Hn." Then I threw a brick at her head...that was pretty fun...but Itachi (fucking bastard) got mad at me...that's not so fun...So anyway!

"This one time! I was talking to the pope! And I'm all 'OMG! YOU'RE THE POPE!' and he's all "OMG! I KNO RITE" and we're all OMG and then I started foaming at the mouth, speaking in tongues and twitching. It was funny!" I jumped around...obviously on something. So, Itachi, Mizuki, and Ryu are all staring at me...and so we go back to IHOP...and got kicked out...that waitress hates me...everyone else laughed! So yeah...we decided to go...I dunno...all my hyper went away...I'll write later...when it comes back...I'm tired...night...OKAY! back...after eating chocolate...evil grin So anyway, Me...Ryu...Mizu...Itachi...and lets bring along Kisame for the heck of it. (he got new pants) Deidara is still at home...crying in his prom dress because his prom date just called and broke up with him. Poor poor Deidara. So anyway, after we all go kicked out of IHOP we were walkin down the street...blah blah blah. Walking is boring to write about. Have you ever noticed how authors never write about walking...but obviously their characters do it to get from place to place? Yeah...anyway. Then all the sudden, I start skippin around singing "LITTLE MISS SALLY WALKER WALKIN DOWN THE STREET!"

Kisame chimes in and goes "BEEP BEEP!" singin with me. I stare for a minute, but we continued.

"LITTLE MISS SALLY WALKER WALKIN DOWN THE STREET BEEP BEEP! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO SHE STOPPED IN FRONT OF ME! SHE SAID HEY GIRL DO YOUR THING DO YOUR THING STOP! HEY GIRL DO YOUR THING DO YOUR THING STOP!" By now, Mizu, Itachi and Ryu were staring at us. Then, Ryu and Kisame linked arms, I linked arms with Ryu and Mizu (Itachi didn't want to join in) and we all skipped off into the forest singing "We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!" Somewhere in all of that fun and giggles Gai and Lee appeared arm in arm as well….yeah…INVISIBLE SUNSETS THAT COME OUT OF NOWHERE OWN MY SOUL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fun stuff. And Chocolate. So then we went back to the magical base that has healing powers. Yeah, it has healing powers now. As well as being invisible. So we all went back and Ryu died in a fire because I don't feel like blah blah blah, story over, Ryu dead (I love you ryu!) So, we were at the HQ place a ma jig, and I pulled out mah colouring book and crayons! It was strawberry shortcake.


	2. Sorry to Get Your Hopes Up

I KEEP GETTING REVIEWS/STORY ALERTS FOR THIS.

So I felt this was necessary. Sorry, guys, but I don't watch Naruto anymore. I wrote this fic like, my freshman year of high school and I will probably never revisit it ever. I don't even have the file anymore due to an unfortunate mishap with my old computer's hard drive.

I'm in the process of writing a story for Hetalia though, if any of you like that, and also there is my Death Note fic.

But this one is over. Sorry.


End file.
